they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
