My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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