he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Your penis caused this!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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