she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
