There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
