At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
If I die, sorry about rent.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
