dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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