hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize
