so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
