Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
