Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
