every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
