I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
