So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
