When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
