And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
