did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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