i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
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