FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I came so hard my ears popped.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
