Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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