Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I AM VODKA MAN
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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