I will die if light touches me.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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