i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize