but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
