I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
