My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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