Yo dont text me then not text me
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
