I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
