I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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