I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
