People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
