there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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