If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
