so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
