Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
When did angry sex become our thing?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Randomize
