how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
