Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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