Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
