I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
