She said her name was "party"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
