so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
