Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
