Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
