i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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