Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
