I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
