He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
