So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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