Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
They took my balls.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
