I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
be right there i have to get my cape
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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