i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
